Asha Malik, The Drama Queen

This post is dedicated to Miss Asha Malik. The post attempts to capture a few funny and weird incidents that come as a package with this bag of surprises christened Asha! By the way, you have my word that what I have written in this post is nothing but the truth and the whole truth!

It was upon our return from Vaishno Devi when Miss Malik was in her elements. We spotted a woman who had done loud make up and had worn bright golden tights and had teamed it with a matching hat…She was quite a picture to behold! I wondered aloud where she had managed to find such a breathtaking outfit from. Lo and behold…Miss Malik walked up to the supermodel and put on her most innocent expression when she said, “Excuse me, aapki tights bahut sundar hai. Aap humein batayengi aapne kaha se li.”  I swear, I am not exaggerating— it seemed as if the woman with golden tights would die of sheer happiness…It was as if the reason she had taken the pilgrimage had come true. The woman replied “Kalyan Market, Mumbai se.” Ashu continued in the same innocent way, “Hum soch rahe the ki hum is par kadai karwa le aur ise party dress bana le.” The supermodel parted with some fashion tips and said “nahi ye to simple acha lagta hai!” It was one of the most hilarious sights I have had the fortune of witnessing. I was rolling with laughter. I bowed down to Miss Nautanki, Asha Malik. J

  

As if one such incident in the day was not enough, madam had to spring another surprise act on us! This time I was more mortified than amused!

 

Preeti normally walks at the pace of a marathon runner. Surprisingly, the 30 plus Km journey on foot did not alter that. On our way back from Vaishno Devi to Katra, she just galloped ahead. Ashu due to her broken foot and me out of concern for Ashu and not for any other reason were plodding along. At this point, Asha madam decided that she wanted to have sugarcane juice. Trouble was that she and I had run out of money and Preeti carried the rest of the money. I heard her say “Pracs mujhe to pina hai!” and I knew that I was in for a very unusual and an absolutely unexpected experience whether I wanted it or not. Being immensely sensible, infinitely wise and exceptionally mature, I  decided to use my most chocolate-coated andpatience-dripping tone of voice to try and pacify the little brat, but to no avail. L Ashu just had to have what she had set her heart on…Ganne ka juice! I tried another tack and told her that there was one more “ganne ke juice ki” shop further and that Preeti would surely be waiting for us there. Convincing her was pretty much like moving a mountain…so my happiness knew no bounds when I succeeded! Alas, my happiness was short-lived! We reached the wretched shop in the next five minutes with no Preeti in sight. L

 

I saw the hitherto asleep monster stirring awake in Ashu’s twinkling eyes when she suddenly gave me a very very sly smile. She announced extremely nonchalantly that she would request the first good looking guy she spotted to buy her a drink…a glass of ganne ka juice! Imagine! In Vaishno devi….this was sacrilege…paap! Mata and of course I, the humble guard of piety and sanctity would have none of this in Mata’s holy abode…I announced that she only had 5 minutes to carry out the horrific deed, if she must! She stood her ground right in the middle of the rasta, forgetting all about her aching foot and began searching for Mr. good looking. I was of course praying as hard as I could invoking the powers that be to stop them from sending any guy at all at least for five minutes. Wrong prayer. I should have known that Ashu would inevitably renege on her promise to me. The woman possessed stopped a poor unassuming uncle right in his tracks…The following dialogue took place between them:

 

Ashu (in an exaggeratedly polite tone): Uncle

Uncle (thinking to himself ‘uncle mat kaho na’): Haan bete?

Ashu: Kya aap humein 20 rs de sakte hai?( To say that I was embarrassed would be the grossest understatement of the year…I wished the ground would open and just swallow me. I tried to walk away on the sly…but how could Miss Malik allow that to happen. It seemed like an eternity before the man seemed to open his mouth again. I mean how often does one spot English speaking, jeans clad, good looking beggar women…)

Uncle: Uh…Wo…Kyu?

Ashu (thinking to herself ‘ye to fasa’): Humein ganne ka juice peena hai. Jinke paas hamare paise hai wo kaafi door nikal gaye hai. (I was way past thinking anything or feeling anything. I did my best impersonation of my “mai kaun hu, mai kaha hu, ye aunty kaun hai” look.)

Uncle (looking very reluctant and seemingly wondering ‘Mujhse kyu?’): Achcha

Ashu (eager to ease the man’s pain): Hum apko paise wapis de denge. Humein aage milna aap.

Uncle (looking as reluctant as humanly possible with a look that said ‘mere 20 rs to gaye’): Ab agar miloge to de dena…nahi to…theek hi hai…Hum intezaar nahi karenge.

 

He stuck out the hand with a 20 rupee note, held on to it with dear life. Ashu ofcourse pretty much snatched it out of the poor guy’s hand. She gave her mega watt smile in return and said“Chal Pracs…ganne ka juice awaits.”  Let me take this opportunity to thank you for what I hope was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life Ashu. I really do hope that no other embarrassing situation has the potential to put this one to shame ever!

 

We of course never found the uncle and could not return his money. We suffered momentary guilt pangs which were dispelled when Preeti amidst peals of laughter assured us that we were actually sent by Vaishno Mata as her avatars so that the man could have fed us. Who were we to argue with “What was written!”

 

As for Ganne ka juice, it was everything it was supposed to be…refreshing, yum, and the source that added the much needed fizz to our otherwise sweet trip. 

 

This is how our trip to Vaishno Devi came to an end…and the trip to Nattha Top began…It was also the beginning of a great tragic love story of unrequited love…a triangle actually, starring our driver Miku Singh, Asha Malik, and Preeti Bansal. In fact, I would say it was a remake of Raja Hindustani.

 

Please check out the teaser above. Our poor lovelorn driver was bitten by the love bug the moment Ashu charmed our driver by her innocence. Hua yu ki the driver told Ashu that a tourist spot called Shivpuri was some 25 kms away from Jammu. Madam racked her brains and said "ye wo hi Shivpuri hai na Haridwar wala jahaan riverrafting hoti hai?" While Preeti and I were busy taking potshots at Ashu's geographical accuracy, the smitten driver was busy losing his heart to our Einstein. He adjusted the mirror in such a manner that her lovely face would be visible to at all times. Looking at her often in the rear view mirror, he would smile at her and she would look away. 

Forgive me for sounding like a "K soaps wali vamp," but I was determined to save my dear friend from becoming Rani Hindustani. Little did I know, that my sister Preeti had also found a special place in the driver's heart. I wanted to put an end to the trip asap. It was at this moment when I saw Ashu climbing the snow-capped mountain at Nattha top holding Miku SIngh's hand. Preeti was not to be left behind. She caught up witht them soon enough and ensured that she also received equal attention if not more from Mr Miku.

I had to act fast here. I cut the trip short and announced we were leaving. By now, the sheher ki ladkis had forgotten all about the gaon ka chora.  While the teary-eyed Romeo bid adieu to both these ladies, it seemed as if the song "Paldesi Paldesi jana nahi mujhe chod ke" played in the background. As a last minute effort to hold on to his angels, the man looked at them and said "Hum SMS karte rahenge ek doosre ko..." All three of us looked at each otehr because we were sure we would start laughing any moment. The two cold-hearted ladies left behind a very broken heart when they gave away their wrong numbers to the poor soul...

Such is life :(