Asha Malik, The Drama Queen

This post is dedicated to Miss Asha Malik. The post attempts to capture a few funny and weird incidents that come as a package with this bag of surprises christened Asha! By the way, you have my word that what I have written in this post is nothing but the truth and the whole truth!

It was upon our return from Vaishno Devi when Miss Malik was in her elements. We spotted a woman who had done loud make up and had worn bright golden tights and had teamed it with a matching hat…She was quite a picture to behold! I wondered aloud where she had managed to find such a breathtaking outfit from. Lo and behold…Miss Malik walked up to the supermodel and put on her most innocent expression when she said, “Excuse me, aapki tights bahut sundar hai. Aap humein batayengi aapne kaha se li.”  I swear, I am not exaggerating— it seemed as if the woman with golden tights would die of sheer happiness…It was as if the reason she had taken the pilgrimage had come true. The woman replied “Kalyan Market, Mumbai se.” Ashu continued in the same innocent way, “Hum soch rahe the ki hum is par kadai karwa le aur ise party dress bana le.” The supermodel parted with some fashion tips and said “nahi ye to simple acha lagta hai!” It was one of the most hilarious sights I have had the fortune of witnessing. I was rolling with laughter. I bowed down to Miss Nautanki, Asha Malik. J

  

As if one such incident in the day was not enough, madam had to spring another surprise act on us! This time I was more mortified than amused!

 

Preeti normally walks at the pace of a marathon runner. Surprisingly, the 30 plus Km journey on foot did not alter that. On our way back from Vaishno Devi to Katra, she just galloped ahead. Ashu due to her broken foot and me out of concern for Ashu and not for any other reason were plodding along. At this point, Asha madam decided that she wanted to have sugarcane juice. Trouble was that she and I had run out of money and Preeti carried the rest of the money. I heard her say “Pracs mujhe to pina hai!” and I knew that I was in for a very unusual and an absolutely unexpected experience whether I wanted it or not. Being immensely sensible, infinitely wise and exceptionally mature, I  decided to use my most chocolate-coated andpatience-dripping tone of voice to try and pacify the little brat, but to no avail. L Ashu just had to have what she had set her heart on…Ganne ka juice! I tried another tack and told her that there was one more “ganne ke juice ki” shop further and that Preeti would surely be waiting for us there. Convincing her was pretty much like moving a mountain…so my happiness knew no bounds when I succeeded! Alas, my happiness was short-lived! We reached the wretched shop in the next five minutes with no Preeti in sight. L

 

I saw the hitherto asleep monster stirring awake in Ashu’s twinkling eyes when she suddenly gave me a very very sly smile. She announced extremely nonchalantly that she would request the first good looking guy she spotted to buy her a drink…a glass of ganne ka juice! Imagine! In Vaishno devi….this was sacrilege…paap! Mata and of course I, the humble guard of piety and sanctity would have none of this in Mata’s holy abode…I announced that she only had 5 minutes to carry out the horrific deed, if she must! She stood her ground right in the middle of the rasta, forgetting all about her aching foot and began searching for Mr. good looking. I was of course praying as hard as I could invoking the powers that be to stop them from sending any guy at all at least for five minutes. Wrong prayer. I should have known that Ashu would inevitably renege on her promise to me. The woman possessed stopped a poor unassuming uncle right in his tracks…The following dialogue took place between them:

 

Ashu (in an exaggeratedly polite tone): Uncle

Uncle (thinking to himself ‘uncle mat kaho na’): Haan bete?

Ashu: Kya aap humein 20 rs de sakte hai?( To say that I was embarrassed would be the grossest understatement of the year…I wished the ground would open and just swallow me. I tried to walk away on the sly…but how could Miss Malik allow that to happen. It seemed like an eternity before the man seemed to open his mouth again. I mean how often does one spot English speaking, jeans clad, good looking beggar women…)

Uncle: Uh…Wo…Kyu?

Ashu (thinking to herself ‘ye to fasa’): Humein ganne ka juice peena hai. Jinke paas hamare paise hai wo kaafi door nikal gaye hai. (I was way past thinking anything or feeling anything. I did my best impersonation of my “mai kaun hu, mai kaha hu, ye aunty kaun hai” look.)

Uncle (looking very reluctant and seemingly wondering ‘Mujhse kyu?’): Achcha

Ashu (eager to ease the man’s pain): Hum apko paise wapis de denge. Humein aage milna aap.

Uncle (looking as reluctant as humanly possible with a look that said ‘mere 20 rs to gaye’): Ab agar miloge to de dena…nahi to…theek hi hai…Hum intezaar nahi karenge.

 

He stuck out the hand with a 20 rupee note, held on to it with dear life. Ashu ofcourse pretty much snatched it out of the poor guy’s hand. She gave her mega watt smile in return and said“Chal Pracs…ganne ka juice awaits.”  Let me take this opportunity to thank you for what I hope was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life Ashu. I really do hope that no other embarrassing situation has the potential to put this one to shame ever!

 

We of course never found the uncle and could not return his money. We suffered momentary guilt pangs which were dispelled when Preeti amidst peals of laughter assured us that we were actually sent by Vaishno Mata as her avatars so that the man could have fed us. Who were we to argue with “What was written!”

 

As for Ganne ka juice, it was everything it was supposed to be…refreshing, yum, and the source that added the much needed fizz to our otherwise sweet trip. 

 

This is how our trip to Vaishno Devi came to an end…and the trip to Nattha Top began…It was also the beginning of a great tragic love story of unrequited love…a triangle actually, starring our driver Miku Singh, Asha Malik, and Preeti Bansal. In fact, I would say it was a remake of Raja Hindustani.

 

Please check out the teaser above. Our poor lovelorn driver was bitten by the love bug the moment Ashu charmed our driver by her innocence. Hua yu ki the driver told Ashu that a tourist spot called Shivpuri was some 25 kms away from Jammu. Madam racked her brains and said "ye wo hi Shivpuri hai na Haridwar wala jahaan riverrafting hoti hai?" While Preeti and I were busy taking potshots at Ashu's geographical accuracy, the smitten driver was busy losing his heart to our Einstein. He adjusted the mirror in such a manner that her lovely face would be visible to at all times. Looking at her often in the rear view mirror, he would smile at her and she would look away. 

Forgive me for sounding like a "K soaps wali vamp," but I was determined to save my dear friend from becoming Rani Hindustani. Little did I know, that my sister Preeti had also found a special place in the driver's heart. I wanted to put an end to the trip asap. It was at this moment when I saw Ashu climbing the snow-capped mountain at Nattha top holding Miku SIngh's hand. Preeti was not to be left behind. She caught up witht them soon enough and ensured that she also received equal attention if not more from Mr Miku.

I had to act fast here. I cut the trip short and announced we were leaving. By now, the sheher ki ladkis had forgotten all about the gaon ka chora.  While the teary-eyed Romeo bid adieu to both these ladies, it seemed as if the song "Paldesi Paldesi jana nahi mujhe chod ke" played in the background. As a last minute effort to hold on to his angels, the man looked at them and said "Hum SMS karte rahenge ek doosre ko..." All three of us looked at each otehr because we were sure we would start laughing any moment. The two cold-hearted ladies left behind a very broken heart when they gave away their wrong numbers to the poor soul...

Such is life :(  

 

       

 

 

            

 

 

 

 

 

The Trip to Vaishno Devi

Day 1: The journey begins….Three ladies, two elderly men in the cabin, and one empty berth thanks to Rajiv…Hardly the beginning we had envisaged! As the train trudged along, Ashu recalled “Jab we Met” and conjured up someone as cute looking as Shahid Kapoor losing his way into our cabin!  I thought of the old Lakme ad where a guy boards a plane and a good looking woman comes and says “Shayad aap meri seat par hai!” There had to be a teeny weeny chance of a role reversal here. There had to be a reason God stopped Rajiv accompanying us :D

 

One hour into the journey and we had made ourselves a little too comfortable in the train. It took a little cajoling before Asha madam agreed to share our lower berths with the other poor souls who had tickets for the upper berths. She wanted that Rajiv’s berth be occupied by our luggage rather than the poor gentlemen!

 

Post our little photo shoot and delicious paratha session, the cabin didn't look as clean as it did when the journey had begun. We had taken it upon ourselves to make the place seem a little more “lived in.” I have no idea why the two men in the coach seemed bothered while the ladies chatted prettily and talked about issues of world importance like movies and songs and basically everything under the sun. It wasn’t even 11 when the men decided they wanted to sleep! Needless to say, the chattering continued unabated well into the wee hours of the morning. J

 

Day 2: Early morning…still in the train—I love the way how effortlessly women just take up from where they left when it comes to an interruption in talking. It seemed as if the few hours of sleep which had deterred the generous word flow had simbly not occurred…the incessant pearls of wisdom flew unaided in the morning. Why the men in the coach kept looking at all three of us incredulously, I have no idea.

 

Oh by the way, we had not booked our return tickets. In the drama that preceded the trip, the parents had extracted a promise of sorts that we would not go to Patni Top and would return to Delhi after the darshan in Vaishno Devi. Of course, that would not happen! We mutually decided that we had to do our bit to promote tourism in the poverty-stricken state of J & K. For this reason, we called the parents from the Jammu station to tell them that the return ticket was available only on Sunday night, which left us with one full day to —you guessed it, tour Patni Top.

 

Upon reaching Katra, we checked into a hotel after haggling with the reception staff over the price to our hearts’ content….Ashu’s half bania blood was doing its bit you see! Started the chadai at about 5 PM. Poor Ashu  hurt her foot and she really did miss a strong dependable knight in shining armor. I mean a lot of pitthus were willing to come to her rescue! As light as she is, I think anybody could have lifted her…but I wanted to remain alive till the darshan so I kept my mouth shut about the pitthu…

 

 

Day 3: Midnight…We reached Bhavan, took a shower in the freezing cold ghat, did spectacular darshan, felt an amazing sense of joy and peace. We promised ourselves that we would wake up at 5 in the morning the following day to see the arti…We eventually got up at 9 AM and checked out of the hotel ten minutes after the scheduled check out time!

 

We started the chadai for bahiro baba, did the darshan and started climbing down. Ashu’s foot was hurting a lot. It is to her credit that in spite of the pain, she chose to smile and made the trip so amazing for the others around her. J Like I said, she merits another post…so the rest of the events in the next post J

 

Sequence of Events that Precede the Trip

 

They say “Jiska bulawa aata ahi wahi Vaishno Devi jata hai!” Well, how do I say this but apparently Mata consented to send the much awaited bulawa very very reluctantly. But persistence pays!

 

A trip that was initially planned to have taken place in December 2008 finally took place on February 19, 2009, not without lots of drama though…

 

There were going to be four pious devotees who were supposed to have taken the pilgrimage—Rajiv, Preeti, Asha, and yours truly. However, in the end, Mr Rajiv chickened out of this moment that would well have been the highlight of his single life; the man was going to accompany three single and at the risk of sounding immodest very attractive young ladies…alone! Alas, it was not meant to be.

 

Kahani poori filmi hai. The plot unfolds below…

 

Rajiv told his parents rather proudly that he was going to be a knight in shining armor to not one, not two, but three ladies. I don’t think his parents reacted to the news as enthusiastically as he had imagined. For effect, let me add this was the proverbial ‘silence before the storm’…or in this case ‘the tornado.’

 

Preeti told her very anxious parents that a strong, dependable, man was “chaperoning” the three damsels to save them from any potential distress ;) Her parents gave permission rather unwillingly.

 

I sort of remembered to forget to mention that somebody called Rajiv was also accompanying us to the trip when my slightly conservative, a tad over protective, and a little over imaginative father enquired about my companions. My ever hopeful father agreed to let us take the pilgrimage in the hope that it may bring about the desired result of finding a suitable son-in-law for his only daughter!

 

This is where the famed Divine Intervention occurs!

 

One day before the departure of the train, Rajiv’s parents expressed their indignation at the thought of their son accompanying three women. All hell broke loose…and the poor guy decided that he could not go…L

 

Preeti, my cousin gave her parents this piece of news exactly two hours before the train to Jammu was scheduled to leave. Her parents could not bring themselves to agree to send their little girl (quite literally) to go out alone in the concrete jungle called Jammu without you guessed it-a strong guy who’d fight the big bad wolves for the delicate ladies.

 

Preeti’s mom came and expressed her fear of letting the girls go unescorted in front of my parents. My father had no clue what she was talking about when she said that the three girls will be going alone. He said but that had been the case all along…and then my aunt dropped the bomb…she told my father that the guy who was supposed to accompany us would not be coming along. And because it was really unsafe for us without him, Preeti would also not go. One look at my father and I was sure that the explosion would occur any moment. What would be the punishment for a tiny slip like that after all? I was racking my brains silently for any plausible story that I could tell…

 

In the end, I came up with a story that puts me to shame…quite literally…I’ve always believed that I am a great story teller…and my creativity just betrayed me at that moment. I told my father, that guy was never going to come. He told us he may come. And my father bought it…I mean what was happening here. J

 

But unfortunately, with my cousin backing out, my father was positive that his delicate darling daughter could not manage with just another tiny tot for company…well you can’t blame him…I mean he doesn’t know what a dynamite that little package is!

 

Everything had blown apart. Asha had left for the railway station by then. I dreaded calling her to tell her that the trip was off. Have you met her? Hell hath no fury like Asha scorned! Well, I mustered the courage and finally called her. As expected, she declared she was going to go ahead by herself. What was I thinking….I told my father that…Surprise surprise he was still listening to me. J My father still clung to the hope of his son-in-law and was worried that Asha may carry out her threat. He told my uncle (Preeti’s father) that he was going to drop me at the station after all.

 

Preeti lay in a pool of tears because her parents refused to give her permission to go. Preeti threw a temper tantrum infront of her parents to show them how wronged she felt by pulling out all her clothes from the travel bag.

 

Amidst all this drama, the clock showed that it was 45 minutes before the train to Jammu left. It takes about 35 minutes to reach the railway station from my place. Upon seeing us leave and tired of Preeti’s tragedy queen act, my uncle told my father that even Preeti could go.

 

As soon as she heard that, she spent only a few more moments to sob one final time for effect…and then went about pushing everything into her travel bag. 35 minutes left for the train to leave…We made a dash…My father made it to the railway station in record time (The tana maroing he subjected Preeti and me to seemed to help him drive faster.)

 

At 9:35 the train finally left for jammu. Oh by the way, my father double actually triple- checked that there was no guy like creature in our vicinity! Also, he stayed at the station till the train left, just to be sure you see!  

 

 

The Trip that Almost Didn’t Happen….

For your convenience and mine…let me divide this post into two parts (Professional hazard of over three years of organizing content into logical chunks!) The first part is the Sequence of Events that Precede the Trip and the second part is well, The Trip itself. I thought I’d add another part devoted to Ms Malik, my companion…but I am sure that after reading this post, you will realize that madam definitely merits a whole post to herself!  J